I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
