You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
