last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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