Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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