Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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