not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
