why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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