Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
