Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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