She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
