his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
