got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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