just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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