btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
