I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
