I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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