Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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