It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
