DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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