It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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