my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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