He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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