Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
