I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
