I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
