this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
