i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
