it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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