Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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