You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
