how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
