Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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