im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
