I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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