I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
