Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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