There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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