I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I wear drunk well.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
