hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
