You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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