i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
