Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
