pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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