Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
