if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
