The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
