I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
