im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
