I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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