I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
