I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So. Much. Porn.
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