K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
