Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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