This is not my ceiling
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
